InsaneJournal

Current mood:	grieving
Current music:	Hyadain--My First Friend
Entry tags:	shit involving me

your eyes shut as if going to sleep
When I called Mom earlier, she told me that Tipper's not doing so well lately, not eating or moving around much. She took her in to the vet and she's not sick, she's just...old. The vet gave her some medication to keep her comfortable, but he said it's probably only going to be a matter of days now.

Tipper's older than I am, and I've pretty much been expecting this for the past three or four years. It's really a miracle she's lived this long, and I'm really grateful that she's not in any pain and that we don't have to make a choice about putting her down. At the same time, I had this nagging fear that she'd finally give out as soon as I left, and it doesn't seem fair that that should come true. It doesn't seem fair that I can't be with her like I should be, and it doesn't seem fair that it's Mom carrying her up and down the stairs because she can't climb them anymore. She's my cat, and I feel like I'm letting her down by being so far away for the last time she needs me. I should be there, and I'm not.

Mom's a Hospice worker, so she knew what I needed--we talked about how she's had a good life and how I haven't been a bad owner, and she held the phone close so I could tell her goodbye without my even asking (which is good, because I would have felt stupid asking). She agreed to give her some ice cream off her fingers one last time, and we decided on a place to bury her.

So...now she's not even dead yet, and there's still the after-reception feeling, when nothing's really changed in how you feel, but you still have to clean up.

Probably everyone's seen this, but it really adequately explains my situation better than I ever could.



I just wish I wasn't so far away...

ETA: Oh God, I'd never seen the second one...