InsaneJournal

Current mood:	buzzed
Current music:	Ludo--Drunken Lament
Entry tags:	co-snark, fandom, fanfiction, idiots, my friends rock, snark

bobbing and choking and losing the fight in the fog
Dap: I talked to (girlfriend) about it and she doesn't like the idea of making fun of what is potentially someone's misguided best effort. We had a long talk about it, but the upshot is I value her more than the snark... I really am sorry. If we have the author's permission, it's all fine.
Del: ...so, how LONG have you been pussywhipped? 'Cause I know I didn't get away with this shit.

FOR THIS PERFORMANCE (AND ALL UPCOMING PERFORMANCES), THE PART OF DAP WILL BE PLAYED BY INKWEAVER. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY LULZ THIS MAY CAUSE.




Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. She was loved by all, but she loved only one: the Black Knight. Her father wouldn’t allow them to marry, so they had to meet in secret. Every night, they would meet in the garden exactly at midnight.

Delly: Ohhh, I like this story better than the last one!
Inky: Me too. I wonder if it'll involve rape. D=
Delly: Of course it won't, it is a lovely fairytale!

A man had been watching the princess. He was entranced with her beauty. He decided to make himself known to her. He came into the city in an elaborate parade. The streets were covered in flower petals, jugglers juggled, dancers danced, musicians played music. The whole city celebrated his arrival.

Inky: Well damn. Way to make an entrance, buddy.
Delly: See? There are parades and flower petals and jugglers! It is a wonderful tale of love and beauty and possibly small animals singing twee songs!
Inky: I LOVE WHEN SMALL ANIMALS SING
Delly: ME TOO :D
Inky: That's why I do the shrooms.
Delly: Uh, no. That's a fairytale of the Very Special Episode variety.
Inky: Blast! Foiled!

The wedding was as beautiful as her. She dawned her white dress to be worn for the first and last time. Her face smiled, but her heart screamed. Her knight would come as the ’does anyone have a reason why…’ she was sure of it!

But he never came…

Inky: She dawned her white dress? Like... what does that mean. Does... she throw it into the sun?
Delly: I think it means she put it on at EXACTLY six A.M. You know, like meeting the knight at exactly midnight. It's an obsessive-compulsive fairytale.
Inky: That's your favorite kind of fairy tale, right?
Delly: It is! Especially if I get to read it exactly four times! Incidentally, the Black Knight is across town with the chain-smoking stable boy. The thing about fairytales is they don't always focus on the one getting the happy ending.
Inky: And that stable boy sure knew how to smoke a cigarette! If you know what I mean! Actually you probably don't! 'Cause I don't even know!
Delly: Woo woo!

The merchant quickly took her away to a foreign land. It was raining when they arrived at the black castle he resided in. As soon as he took her inside, he changed into a monster. He stared at her with glowing yellow eyes, mocking her, as he revealed that he had killed her Black Knight. Her tears blurred her eyes, all hope was lost.

Inky: ... Well. I... I must say. I did not expect that at ALL.
Delly: The end! Goodnight, Inky! Sweet dreams!
Inky: I don't wanna sleep mommy
Delly: Now, now, be good and you'll dream about having a nice husband like that! ...in the BUTT.
Inky: BUT MOMMY POO COMES OUT OF THERE

She shot up out of the nightmare.

‘Only a dream, only a dream,’ she repeated in her mind. ‘But those eyes… too real.’

The night before came flooding back to her. There was a demon. She searched the room. The clock to the side of her read nine o’clock.
Delly: EXACTLY nine o'clock.
Inky: That is one specific-ass dream. My dreams are usually like, "Going to the museum! Look, they have giant chapsticks here, decorated by the Mayans! Wow, I have to pee but all the stalls are occupied! Look, a jelly bean dispenser that turns into soap!"
Delly: Yeah, I know. The last time I dreamt about Vincent, he had turned himself into a plant because he was tired of people trying to have sex with him. So I kept his secret so he'd be grateful and eventually have sex with me. It didn't work :<

She forced herself on to shaky legs and made her way into the shower. Bandages caked with dry blood somehow made their way into the trash.

Delly: It's still a fairytale! The cleaning is being done by invisible singing animals!
Inky: Those bandages SOMEHOW made their way there. I would make fun of that with some sort of personifying the bandages thing, but really, I'm just disgusted by the laziness here. Like, that's not even atmospheric. How about "She peeled off her bandages" at the very fucking least here, author. NOT . HARD.
Delly: But "somehow" is even EASIER. They have to expend as little energy as possible so they'll be fresh for the next rape scene.
Inky: Good point. Always moar room for rape.

She inspected her wounds. They were minor and would heal in about a week

Inky: She inspected them. With a MAGNIFYING GLASS. And a little hat!
Delly: If it had been PROPER Chaos, they wouldn't be all pussified healing in a week. She'd be counting the number of pieces her tibias were in.

Aeris was there with a plate of food. The flower girl did her best the make the oatmeal and dried fruit more presentable. The type of food they could carry was limited due to constant travel.

Delly: They can have up to four Chocobos on board at any given time, but they can't carry canned goods?
Inky: Okay I have a question. Maybe this is because I didn't read the first chapter, but what the fuck why is Aeris alive? And why does no one know vincent is a demon guy since, well, he fucking limit breaks at any opportunity?
Delly: It isn't IN the first chapter. She just. Kind of. Is. But now that you point it out, it is depressingly impossible. You can't even GET Vincent's fourth Limit Break until at least Disc Two.
Inky: *SIGH* Lazy author rape devices - check.
Delly: Maybe she heard her abortion tea was going to be needed and hung in there until they could revive her.

“Ok.” She laid it on the nightstand. “Oh, we’ll be landing in Wutai in a few hours. Be ready.”

“No!” Yuffie protested.

“No?” Aeris asked puzzled.

Inky: "I mean, uh, yeah, totally. Not like I'm gonna rob you blind or anything."
Delly: And you won't be wandering around in the mountains for TWO FUCKING WEEKS without ANY MATERIA because you somehow failed to notice the GIGANTIC SHAKING VASE in town and oh GOD those mountain monsters FUCKING RAPED ME and...and...sorry, sorry, I'm good.
Inky: And you won't be LEVELING UP because YOU DON'T HAVE ANY GODDAMN MATERIA and you CAN'T FUCKING BEAT Don Corneo's FUCKING DRAGON FUCK YOU YUFFIE UGH
Delly: But Vincent totally gets a BURN in so that's cool.
Inky: Yeah his one burn in the entire game.
Delly: ...were we...uh...doing someth--OH YEAH SNARKING.
Inky: OH RIGHT

She thought for a moment. “Should I ask Vincent to remain on the ship with you?”

Yuffie was glad to be behind the curtain to conceal her blush. “No, he probably needs to go get some supplies or something.”

Inky: "No, he probably needs to RAPE ME."
Delly: So he's an errand boy AND fandom bicycle now? It's nice to keep busy.
Inky: What kind of supplies are we talking here? Like... a toothbrush? Mouthwash?
Delly: Lube.
Inky: ...chains? Dammit you beat me to the punch.
Delly: :D

‘Damn… Why Wutai? I’m not fit to even step on the soil there.’

She slid down the wall and sat in the tub until the water ran cold. ‘I can’t face him.’

Delly: Okay, you're the Yuffie fangirl and not me, but this seems overly angsty.
Inky: Dude. This is NOT Yuffie at all. Yuffie would be like, "Wutai? FUCK YEAH LET'S GO TO WUTAI. I gotta kick my dad's ass some more! Also, Vincent, quit being a douche bag. And gimme your materia."
Delly: Yes! That! ...God, it says something when *I* notice.
Inky: Yeah. I mean, I thought if it wasn't Cid and Vincent boinking, you were like CARRY ON.
Delly: It's true. It's seriously true. I can't help what I am. And what I am is horny.

“She’s getting around ok. Still upset, absolutely refuses to go to Wutai.” Aeris responded.

Cid interrupted, “She’s probably fucking wanted for stealing the wrong guy’s materia or something.”

Inky: Not yet, Cid. Not yet.

Cloud just walked in. “Bad news.”

“What is it?” Aeris turned to him.

“Wutai is in a state of chaos right now. Their princess has vanished without a ransom note or anything. The people think it’s an attack against both Wutai and Shin-Ra?” He explained.

Inky: Okay. MORE CANON FAIL.
Delly: Yeah I was just about to ask because I was confused and I wasn't sure if that was TOTALLY WRONG or if I was busy being mad at Yuffie and didn't notice. I spent a lot of those two weeks in the mountains just watching Vincent's ass.
Inky: Yuffie's been missing from Wutai for YEARS. They know she's gone to look for materia to "restore Wutai to its former glory" whatever the hell that means (It's Yuffie, just go with it, Wutai). She's been living in the forests, where you originally encounter her I believe.
Delly: And she steals your gil. I remember THAT part.
Inky: I think Yuffie is like the most humored princess ever. She's like...Yuffie: HEY GUYS LOOK MY UNDERWEAR IS A HAT
Wutai: Yes, princess. Now sign here, here, and here for this tax cut.
Yuffie: KAY COOL BUT LOOK IF I PULL ON THE CORNERS, IT GIVES ME POINTY CAT EARS!
Delly: ......I have to go...try something...

“Wutai is in a state of chaos right now. Their princess has vanished without a ransom note or anything. The people think it’s an attack against both Wutai and Shin-Ra?” He explained.

Tifa was confused, “Shin-Ra?”

“Mm-hm,” Cloud continued, “Godo Kisaragi decided to arrange it to restore peace between them.”

“That creepy old man?!” Aeris exclaimed.

Inky: ...arrange WHAT? They have not even said..."IT"? Arrange WHAAAAT? A summoning of Cthulhu? I don't get it!
Delly: How does Aerith know who Godo is?
Inky: She watches the news in the slums?
Delly: Or wait, is she thinking Hojo? 'Cause Godo isn't that creepy OR old. He's just...there.

“Bad luck for her. Don’t see many princesses…” Barret trailed off.

Cid interjected, almost as if finishing his thoughts. “Bet she’s got one hell of a body. Those girls are bred for baby-making.”

Delly: ew. EEEEEEWWWWW.
Inky: I don't...WHY DOES CID EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE? THE PRINCESS = YUFFIE, CID. ALSO. HOW DOES "one hell of a body" = MADE FOR BABY MAKING.
Inky: Cid: Vincent's all scrawny, it's hell on my hips.
Vincent: ...I can be hell on other parts of your anatomy.
Inky: ... okay so you know that bit in Kingdom Hearts 2 where Cid is like "don't go thankin' us jus' yet" and sort of... lurches toward Sora. With his hands in this weirdo position? This is what I imagine him doing when he says, "Made for babymaking." And then Yuffie walks in.
Delly: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW.
Inky: I KNOW
Delly: Hey, I think I understand this fic now. This was actually a roleplaying thing that Cid and Vince arranged in advance.
Inky: Then how the fuck did Yuffie end up in it?
Delly: Well, Chaos may be big and strong and all, but his weakness? Dyslexia. He was supposed to be in room 210, Yuffie was in Room 201...
Inky: It SUDDENLY makes sense.
Delly: inorite? It's going to turn out to be a Very Special Episode about learning disabilities.
Inky: And obsessive compulsive disorder?
Delly: That too. I love the lessons where you laugh, learn, and bleed from the ass.
Inky: Bleed from the ass while checking the time. "And at 9:15, I sobbed once. And at 9:16, he penetrated me for the fifty-second time."

A sigh came from the ninja. “I don’t think we should get involved with foreign politics. Best to just skip Wutai altogether.”

“Nope. Can’t do it. No fucking way.” Cid spoke up, “Unless you wanna fucking die as the ship runs out of fuel and we all go crashing down clinging to each other in our last moments before the Lifestream sucks us all in.”

Delly: Cid, did you just call Final Solution on the fic? Oh honey, always new reasons to love you.
Inky: That's extremely.... colorful for Cid. "Watch as I paint out a whole scenario. Also: GENTLEMEN."
Delly: Well, he probably has a lot of time to think about crashing while he's wondering where Chaos is.

“Um, no. That’s ok.” He made her nervous sometimes. She excused herself to her room.

Inky: I really hate this doppelganger loser Yuffie Real!Yuffieresponse: "Ew you're a nasty old man. Like I'd cling to YOU while the ship's going down."
Delly: It's like when her cherry popped, all her character went with it.
Inky: Maybe it's a Wutainese thing?
Delly: Even I'M missing her.
Inky: Don't lie. You love Yuffie.
Delly: Sure I do. In a back alley. With a two-by-four. To the FACE.
Inky: Without her, we wouldn't have fond memories of wandering around the mountains being repeatedly penetrated by Rapps.
Delly: Those are fond memories in the same way that 'Nam flashbacks are fond memories.
Inky: what were we -- OH YEAH SNARKING THAT THING WE DO

“Hush now!” Aeris demanded. “If you went through what she did-”

Barret interrupted, “So some monster beat her up. She’s doin’ just fine!”

Tifa was about to yell at him too, but then she remembered: they didn’t know. It wasn’t something you could just tell someone…

“He raped her.”

Unless you were Aeris apparently.

Inky: Aeris: He raped her.
Everyone: ...
Aeris: :D
Everyone: ....
Aeris: :D?
Everyone: ...O_O
Aeris: Abortion tea anyone?

Disclaimer: Own Final Fantasy and its characters, I do not. Want them, you bet you’re sweet ass I do.

Inky: "Read this story, you will not. Stupid, why yes it is."
[Delly: Yoda doesn't write rapefic...d-does he?
Inky: Yoda is Jesus. Does Jesus write rapefic? I THINK NOT.
Delly: You're so logical<3

They stood there in silence taking in this new information.

Cid spoke up, “But she’s just a kid. Why would…?”

Inky: Yes. Because being a kid definitely stops rapists.
Delly: Hey, YOU were the one talking about her wide, child-bearing hips five minutes ago, Cid.
Inky: Vincent: Because I have an inner pedo, Cid. You know this from our roleplaying. Chaos likes 'em young, nubile, and struggling.
Delly: ...I'd call Vincent "Daddy" if he wanted me to.
Inky: *COUGH*
Delly: RIGHT WHERE WERE WE

“We can’t let this slow us down now.” Cloud said, “Come on, let’s go to Wutai.”

Inky: Can I just say, taking a moment to grammar Nazi, that the fucking dialogue punctuation is driving me NUTS. *stabs it*
Delly: The commas are just trying to get as far away from the dialogue as possible, and the periods are slow and are left to hold the bag. Poor dears. Also, jeebus, Cloud, aren't we just the caring, noble hero. I think the truth about his innocent flower girl has made him bitter.
Inky: "Come on, we can't let this slow us down." Cloud said, "besides, we all know in Advent Children any character progress I made goes out the window. Let's go."

He was there, unseen, watching her through trusting eyes.

‘Soon, little girl, soon.’

Inky: What is this even about. Watched her with trusting eyes? I don't understand. I don't even know how to make a joke.
Delly: No, through. He's inside Vincent looking out. ...I hate myself for understanding that.
Inky: But still, sense it is not making. His eyes are trusting her not to get away? Like. Vincent's eyes are trusting her? WITH WHAT? I don't GET IT. STUPID ADJECTIVE. ...wait wait. Calm down, Inky. It's not the adjective's fault it's been misplaced. Hate the sin, not the sinner.
Delly: I'm just reminded that my last snark partner's girlfriend thought we were being too mean to the author. THE CREEPY PEDOPHILE AUTHOR.
Inky: But Delcat, he will never heal if we make fun of him! We must help him see his child-raping ways are wrong. BY KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF THIS PIECE OF HORSE DUNG.

“Oh, Cloud! Look at this!” Aeris was giddy.

Since Wutai had become a tourist attraction, the girls couldn’t help but see the sights. The people were exotic, their clothes were interesting, Tifa and Aeris were just entranced. The locals were selling souvenirs left and right.
Inky: Okay. It's not a harem. They're not belly-dancing their way around. Get a hold of yourself, Aeris, jeez.
Delly: Aerith: Look, they have abortion tea in infuser bags! That makes the taste of unborn children's tears so much stronger!
Inky: But I thought the tea was MADE from unborn children's tears.
Delly: I saw every sight there was to see in Wutai over a period of two weeks. There is a tree. That is all.
Inky: Also a giant statue. Covered in monsters.
Delly: I hate that statue.
Inky: I mean, you'd think they'd take better care of that fucking thing.

Aeris clung to Cloud’s arm. “This is so much fun.”

She drug him around the city, but he didn’t resist. This was the first time they’d gotten to go on an actual date.
Inky: Cloud slapped her off, coming to his senses. "I get it now! You're a zombie out for my brains! You're behind ALL OF THIS!"
Delly: Luckily, she had some memory-loss tea on hand. Also, uh...who did he go on the Gondola with, then? ...oh God, is THAT why Barret's in the fic? YAY!
Inky: Maybe he went with Tifa on that one. Or Yuffie, so he could child-rape her.

Tifa, Cid, Barret, and Red went on their own.

Inky: Because they're the boring characters, remember? No one wants to hear about the boring characters!
Delly: Of course! Wait, where's Cait? Does he even EXIST in this fic? Are he and Sephy and the plot off playing Twister?

“Well, looks like the vampire runs from the sunlight once again.” Cid joked.

“Yeah,” Barret added, “You’d better watch out at sunset Tifa. He might cast a spell on you and steal your maiden blood.”

Delly: No, no. MaidenHEAD. *sigh* Inky, refresh my memory. Did anyone actually ever make any vampire jokes whatsoever in the game?
Inky: I think...maybe Yuffie, IF you have her when you open Vincent's coffin, MAYBE. I dunno. That may be fanon. Also, DO VAMPIRES EVEN EXIST IN GAIA skdjfsdkl;fj
Delly: YES BECAUSE VINCENT OBVIOUSLY IS ONE
Inky: That is a Yuffie/Vincent writer's favorite "joke" and by "writer", I mean cliche-milking idiot. And by "joke" I mean unfunny overused piece of shit that makes me want to smack the fuck out of anyone who writes it. I especially love it when Yuffie is constantly like HAHAHA YOu"RE A VAMPIRE I'M GONNA CALL YOU VINNIE THE VAMPIRE AKJSDAKSLJ stfu I hate everythiiiing
Delly: What burns me is that IIRC, Asian vampires are like the ONE kind of vampire that ISN'T AFFECTED BY SUNLIGHT. And it's not just Yuffentine writers. If Vincent is in a fic, vampire jokes are made. It's just that in the fics I read, they're tempered by "lololol Cid lieks cigarettes" jokes.
Inky: Yeah, in Y/V they're tempered by LOLOL YUFFIE OOOH SHINY I HAVE ADD. Not even Shiny actually. Shinny. Shinnies! Yuffie collects leg bones?
Delly: Well, they don't want to get sued.

“It’s obvious. You’re of Wutain descent. I already knew from the first time I saw you.”

“But how could you? You were sleeping in that coffin before I wasn’t even born. There’s no way you saw me.” She started to ramble.

“Are you ok? I don’t quite understand.”

She nodded, and he sighed.

“I understand leaving Wutai due to its current state or whatever reason you have for not wanting to visit your homeland. Eventually, you’ll have to make peace with it.”

Delly: Yuffie: Yeah, YOU'RE one to talk about making peace with things.
Vincent: Lucrecia thinks I am :<
Inky: Yuffie, not to be racist, but you're like... one of the only characters in the game with a definite "Asian' cast to you--OH I MEAN WUTAIN CAST. ...I hate the "Wutain" word thing. It's just... awkward in my mouth. ... like Chaos when - NO NO NOT GOING THERE
Delly: ALSO BARRET MAY OR MAY NOT BE OF...OF...why is that Asia gets a word parallel and black people are just black?
Inky: 'cause this is made by Japanese people
Delly: Oh yeaaah. Also Barret isn't in fanfiction.
Inky: WHO IS Barret
Delly: IDK SEPHIROTH'S COUSIN MAYBE???

He took out a bento lunch box. “Here I brought some traditional food for you, just in case you were homesick.”

She took it gratefully. “Thank-you.”

They ate peacefully together, neither one breaking the silence for the longest time.

Delly: ...Vincent...eats? I mean, something other than semen and tears?
Inky: And blood since he is a vampire. Also, please imagine Vincent in an apron making a bento box for Yuffie.
Delly: Done. Wait, should he be wearing more than just the apron?
Inky: Actually, it says "Rape the Cook" on it.

“You know my secret, don’t you?” She finally spoke up.

“Hm? I’m afraid not. Please do not feel obligated to tell me.”

“I’m don’t… but I’ll tell you anyway.”

“Yuffie, don’t-”

Inky: Vincent: No seriously. Don't care.
Yuffie: You're sure?
Vincent: Yep. Absolutely.
Yuffie: Positively?
Vincent: I could not be ANY MORE sure.
Yuffie: I can tell you anyway. If you want to know. If you're not sure.
Vincent: I will throw this abortion tea on you and then push you down the stairs.

“That’s my full name: Kisaragi Yuffie.”

His eyes widened, “Then you’re…”

Delly: Vincent: ...still an obnoxious little twat and I care even less.
Yuffie: You've been hanging around Cid too much.
Inky: I like to play the guessing game here.
"A turkey buzzard?"
"Richard Simmons?"
"My long-lost sister?"
"A man?"
"Fuzzy socks?"
Delly: "About to get raped?"
"Wait, what was that last OW OW OW"

She continued, “Thanks for listening. I kind of need a friend right now.”

He then, surprising even himself with his actions, pulled her to his chest into a protective hug.

Vincent whispered into her hair, “Thank-you.”

Inky: ...no. No he didn't. In fact, I refuse to believe that he did. That string of dialogue sentences did not happen. He did not hug her. He did not "whisper" thank you. They did not put a FUCKING HYPHEN BETWEEN THANK AND YOU. SERIOUSLY WTF WHY DOES NO ONE UNERSTAND HYPHENS. NOT. DIFFICULT.
Delly: Urgh, this is more nauseating than the rape. I SAID IT, CYBERWULF, BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. Also, the protective hugging and the hair-rustling and all that...it's underlining AGAIN how young she is. Fucking rancid.
Inky: I just. That is so grossly out of character for Vincent it just actually made me angry. ... how lame is that. I physically reacted to that. I leaned back and scowled.
Delly: It actually made ME nauseous. I mean, dude. I'm a hopeless Vincent fangirl. We ALL know this. But I can't even begin to IMAGINE him hugging me, not even in my shmoopy teenage daydreams, because VINCENT DOES NOT DO HUGS.

To be continued…

Author Note to Tank: Haha, that's my puppy's name. And shh! I KNOW; don't give spoilers away. I'll bop you!

Delly: Aw, gee, isn't this fun? It's a FUN rapefic! I wonder what the spoiler is? Sodomy?
Inky: Bop you. Like Little Bunny Foo Foo. ...hoppin' in the forest, scooping up the readers and rapin' 'em in the ass.
Down came the good fairy!
"Little Writer Foo Foo, I don't wanna see you"
"Scoopin' up the readers and rapin' 'em in the ass!"
"I'll give you three chances. But then I'll turn you into snark material!"
Delly: SPOILER: Snarkers give no one three chances.
Inky: Foiled!


We've got Chapter 4 halfway done. Bricks will be shat, oh yes they will.