InsaneJournal

Current mood:	chipper
Current music:	Richard Cheese--Rape Me
Entry tags:	fandom, my friends rock, snark

here's one for the ladies
Dap asked if I wanted to snark something with him sometime. And lo, awesomeness ensued.

My good buddy Dap and I (known as a duo by the colloquial band name "Pterodactyl Deodorant and the Weeping Cocks") bring you A Twisted Fairytale. Is there gratuitous rape? You bet your sweet bleeding ass there is!

Dap: We should start with something momentous.
Del: You think so?

“Well maybe if you had agreed to strip poker instead…” Barret teased. There was no doubt that Tifa was desired, if only for physical reasons, by nearly every man she met. She was beautiful, strong, kind, and amazingly well-endowed.

Tifa groped herself playfully, the alcohol obviously getting to her, “It wouldn’t be fair. I can’t find a bra big enough for these things!”

Del: Tifa's titties are always momentous. And oh my God, Barret in a fanfic! It's a blue moon AND the planets are in alignment! Well, until Sephiroth destroys them, anyway.
Dap: This is what women with large breasts think about all the time, right? Their breasts?
Del: I know I do. Aw hell yeah.
Dap: OK. Just for accuracy's sake.

Cid, Cloud, and Barret were only left speechless given an excuse to stare, mouths agape. Even Red, not attracted to the human beauty, had to take a lingering look only out of morbid curiosity. He was still a male after all. Why not try to grasp the concept of human beauty.

Del: No, fic, we are not going there. ...again. Three times plus the one where he topped Hojo was enough.
Dap: "grasping the concept of human beauty" by staring at the drunk chick groping herself? C'mon, Red. You can do better than this. Have some pride.
Del: Note that we're refraining from "pussy" jokes, audience. That's just how classy we are.

B-bump! B-bump!

His temples were pounding. The buzzing of the lights screamed in his ears. Their laughter, their very presence was stabbing at him. He excused himself and headed into the darkness of the corridors ahead. He slowly crept towards his room.

B-bump!

The floor came flying towards him, then blackness…

Dap: Poor guy has an awful stutter.
Del: Changing into a demon that represents inner torment and raping everything in sight isn't normal. But on Mako, it is. Mako: Not Even Once.

There she was, his princess. She lay there curled into a ball under the blankets. Her little hands were gripping the sheets below her. Her normally glowing face was grimaced due to the unpleasant motions of the ship. He gently took her hand away from the sheet, careful not to graze her with his claw. Her tube-top lifted easily over her head revealing creamy white breasts, small but perfect.

Del: Okay, yeah, can you maybe try to write it like Vincent ISN'T a pedophile? Although he is...thirty plus twenty-seven...three times Yuffie's age.
Dap: I find it difficult to see Vincent thinking of anyone as his "princess", especially in the mollycoddling way that's presented. I sort of imagine him buying her a tiara and a wand. Also, you read between the lines and you discover that if Yuffie weren't airsick, you could find your way across the room by the light of her glowing face.
Del: Well, she is a teenager. A little cleanser will help that.
Dap: Mako hurts you. Second-hand Mako hurts those you love.

A muffled scream! A monster, a demon! He was touching her, kissing her. He probed her mouth with an elongated tongue. She struggled to push him away, put he simply held her small wrists above her head using a golden claw.

Del: Golden claw? Oh great, it's the prettyboy Stu Chaos from DoC. When I was your age, we were raped by a hulking Judeochristianic demon and we LIKED it! ...oh hell yeah, we liked it. Unf unf unf.
Dap: I'm going to make a point of singling out the moments of stream-of-consciousness poetry the author has chosen to insert into this fic.
A muffled scream! A monster, a demon!
Hideous bricks on the walls of my childhood--
They'll always be watching.
Performed with bongo accompaniment.

With a sudden movement, too fast for the ninja’s eyes, he was upon her again, fangs grazing across every inch of exposed flesh.

Dap: That would take a while.
Del: I'm getting this mental image of him just kind of lawnmowering over her skin inch by inch until she gets bored and kicks his kidneys out his nose.
Dap: Is he making a square-inch grid across her skin?
Del: Oh, please, please tell me he's about to make Yuffie the new Pinhead. That would make this fic worth it on so many levels.
Dap: I thought she already was a pinhead.
Del: Thank you, we'll be here all week!

“Please stop,” she pleaded. “I can’t… I’ve never… virgin,” was all she could choke out between sobs.

He gave a wicked smile, “I know, princess.”

Panic! Shorts were ripped! Screams!

Del: This is the most enthusiastic rape scene I've ever read.
Dap: He smiles wickedly.
Panic! Shorts were ripped! Then screams!
Hooray, demon rape!

He didn’t hesitate to enter her, breaking the hymen with one simple thrust. A despairing scream erupted from her lips. This had to be a nightmare, this must be a nightmare. But the pain was all too real. With each thrust he became more violent, one claw digging into her wrist, the other her hip. Blood spilled from everywhere.

Dap: EVERYWHERE.
Del: Seriously, like the elevator scene from The Shining, but with Yuffie.
Dap: Hey, why is Yuffie like an elevator?
Del: I do not know, Dap, why is Yuffie like an elevator?
Dap: You should never have more than 12 people inside of her at one time!
Del: Thank you, folks! Try the chicken!

Her whole body flushed, the smell of female aroma resonating from her frail body.

Del: "Calgon--take me in the ass!" was a less successful ad campaign.
Dap: All I can hear, in my mind's ear, is the cartoon "radioactive emissions" sound, as female aroma resonates from her frail body: "wom...wom...wom...wom...wom..."
Del: Hope they didn't want to have little demon babies.

She was his. He knew that before, but she proved it when she quit fighting him, realizing it only made it worse. Her body would heal; she was strong in that way, but he had to rip apart that pride. Total and utter submission was crucial to his plan.

Del: This reminds me of a really good D/s Cid/Vincent story I read once, except with subtle little differences like it was well-written and I really wish I was reading it right now. Oh, and Cid isn't like twelve.
Dap: VINCENT'S PLAN
1) Total and Utter Submission
2) ?????
3) PROFIT!

As he reached climax, he tore into his neck, drinking the sweet and salty elixir that flowed from it.

Del: Yuffie: Uh, shouldn't you be drinking my blood?
Chaos: I'm so tasty! God, I love me!
Dap: G-wait-- did he just--?
Del: And he promptly passes out from blood loss and dies.
Dap: Nothing sadder than a narcissistic vampire.

She struggled to her feet, her whole body screaming in protest. She had to move forward. A blanket was draped over her as she wobbled towards the bridge. A small trail of blood followed her.

Del: Gosh, sounds like my weekend. Want some Midol, Yuffie?
Dap: He put the blanket over her head so she'd think it was nighttime and she'd fall asleep.
Del: Hey, it works with Cid.

“You’re mine; don’t forget that,” he loomed of the shivering girl. One final word slipped past his lips then he left as quickly as he appeared.

“Chaos.”

Dap: Yuffie: How is he looming so coherently?
Del: Chaos: That's my name, don't wear it out! Ha ha, I am such a card.
Dap: It's like he was once a Pokemon, and as much as he'd like to leave that behind, he still says his name aloud every so often as a vestige of who he used to be in simpler times. Charmander and Ivysaur? They SOLD OUT, man.
Del: Oh God, don't. I'm still recovering from that Cideon debacle from '07.

Though Cloud carried her to the infirmary, Tifa and Aeris rushed him out. They went to nursing, cleaning, and clothing the injured girl, cursing themselves aloud for allowing something like this to happen.

Del: Tifa: FUCKING FUCKERY SHIT ASS CUNT
Cid: Damn, girl, you're gonna run me out of business!
Aerith: Um...darn?
Dap: Aeris: May a thousand, thousand burning suns wreak their sorrows upon me for all their days, yea, until I am bereft of moisture, until my bones peer through my skin, for I have brought pain and sorrow into this house by my neglect, and may I suffer for it truly, O Ancients that were!
Tifa: O.O

“There’s no way in hell a demon could sneak on my ship!” Cid boasted with overconfidence.

Del: Cid: I have had enough of these motherfucking demons on my motherfucking plane!
Dap: OK, Redundancy Check: let's try to boast with underconfidence! "My ship is... pretty... good? It's OK. I mean, there's probably windows or something somewhere? I haven't checked it all. Geez, I'm sorry."

“Tell that to Yuffie and her wounds,” Cloud snapped back at him. Yuffie was the token child of the group.

Del: Gosh, this author sure likes to point out how childlike the girl who was just raped and probably will be raped some more is.
Dap: Fuckin' Affirmative Action, forcing them to hire at least one child to maintain their airship.
Del: And all she gets done is mopping up her own sick, seeing as she IS Yuffie. It's a crime, really.
Dap: Well, that and be raped.

He was hesitant to let her journey at all, but her skill was great. She proved to them that she could be a vital member of their team. Guilt pangs in his chest were unbearable.

Del: That's Vincent's job, normally. Who rapes the rapist?
Dap: Whoop, never mind, she was very useful... somehow.
Del: Hey, Yuffie is a VERY important team member. She keeps everyone going by the virtue of "The sooner it's over, the sooner she leaves".
Dap: And now she's gonna be here even LONGER, and Cloud's having a heart attack.

Hot water cascaded down his body, and he awoke. Groggily he shook his head trying to get a grasp on the situation. He was in the shower?

“Must’ve been sleep walking.” He resolved as he turned off the knobs.

Del: Knobs? He has TWO? Sweet shit, I knew there was a reason I wanted to jump his bones.

He slicked his hair back out of his face and grabbed a towel.

Knock! Knock!

Dap: HONK HONK
Del: Who's there?
Interrupting cock!
Interrupting cock wh--
*JIZZ*
Dap: Ladies and gentlemen, the rest of the fic, condensed by Delcat.

“Wow,” Tifa whispered struck with the vision before her. She’d never thought of the brooding man as sexy before but damn! He was lean, but so very well sculpted.

Del: Literally. By Hojo. With a scalpel. He doesn't like to talk about it.
Dap: The nipples took DAYS.

Vincent nodded and returned inside to dress. He slipped on a silk black night shirt, black slacks, and house shoes. He must have removed his gauntlet before he showered. His arm was greatly scarred from wearing the metal glove, but his left arm had become nearly useless in battle without it.

Del: So...he has nerve damage, and to soothe this, he wears a heavy-ass piece of bronze at all times, apparently without a support harness? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dap: Is this snarking the fic or the original premise?
Del: I've collected over half a dozen theories about how that claw works and carefully constructed one of my own, based on existing prosthetic science and common sense. THIS author threw an idea at the wall and didn't bother to see if it stuck.
...I don't have a creepy mechanical arm fancying thing going on, sh'up.
Dap: Didn't say nothin'.

She was sitting up drinking a foreign tea that Aeris had prepared.

“It has amazing healing properties.” She insisted. She had brewed it with rue, not having complete faith in the emergency contraception Tifa had provided.

Dap: Emergency contraception by Tifa: 1 (one) punch to gut
1 (one) admonition "stop cryin' ya sissy"
Del: I had to double-check it, but I was right--rue is, in fact, an herb used to induce abortion. Sweet and innocent flowergirl or back alley hanger surgeon? You, the reader, decide.
Dap: It's sad that the ficwriter checked that fact. It bespeaks... effort.
Del: It's funny how much effort goes into fetishistic content while things like grammar are left to rot.
...this has nothing to do with mechanical arm theories, sh'up.
Dap: Still keepin' mum. Alternately, it's the emotion. In which case the recipe runs:
2 tsp hemlock
1 pinch garlic
1 batwing (powdered)
Add rue to taste

Vincent saw her shaking. He took note of each bandage, and it hit him. Those wounds were from restraint, not attacks. It made his blood boil.

Del: Literally. Hojo again.

It’s true she was young enough to be his granddaughter, but it didn’t seem to matter as long as he didn’t touch her.

Del: Okay seriously this is creeping me out. Vincent is not an ephebophile, fic, stop describing him as one in lavish detail.
Dap: This seems sorta like the Five-Second Rule to me.
Del: I thought the Five-Second Rule of rape referred to the age of consent in Japan.
Dap: *ba-dum CHING* Thank you! You're a beautiful audience!

This crime would not go unpunished.

Dap: Vincent: (puts on sunglasses)
The Who: YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH


And so ends the first chapter. But don't go away, kids! With five left to go, you know there are more wacky hymen-bursting hijinks on the horizon!